3 Steps To Come Back From Mama Rage Regression
“You think you’re such a great parent. But actually you’re s%^t.”
These were the last words I heard before I spectacularly fell off the respectful parenting bandwagon.
There was nothing gentle or conscious about my subsequent response.
But whilst that will always be the case - it happened, it’s in the past, I can’t change that - I did have a choice over how consciously and respectfully I handled the fall out.
And the way I saw it, I had three options:
To believe the words that were spoken to me, and then allow myself to be carried back down towards old and familiar feelings of self-loathing and blame via the trusted shame spiral (an old go-to that I know intimately well from my past)…
To put in the repair, view that as sufficient parenting atonement, and move on without a backwards glance…
Or to do the inner work that this conflict brought forwards, so that I could heal the wounded parts that got triggered and over-reacted, in order to create the stability, strength and calm needed to mitigate future similar experiences.
(Because, let’s face it, they’re definitely coming - with two tweens and a teen on board, it’s probably going to be rough, hormonal sailing for the next few years.)
In this instance, I chose the last option.
And I thought I should share my steps with you in this blog, so that you too have a checklist to follow, if and when you too fall off the respectful parenting bandwagon.
STEP ONE: remind yourself that lapses in judgement are part of being a human being - it is literally impossible to avoid them - unless you become a hermit (there is a reason that spiritual gurus don’t have kids) - and practise showing yourself the grace, empathy, understanding, acceptance and love that you already offer your children on a daily basis.
If you can do this, no more inner work is necessary.
Literally, this step is the holy grail of all healing: loving yourself enough to forgive yourself for being human and sometimes making mistakes. End of.
(If you’re not quite there, I get it - it’s taken me nearly 25 years to start to fully embody this piece of wisdom myself).
But don’t despair, help is at hand in the form of skipping to…
STEP TWO: go back over the incident that caused your mama rage to errupt and ask yourself the following questions, with an air of compassionate curiosity:
What day of your menstrual cycle were you on when the incident happened? What is your typical emotional state around this time of the month (regardless of external triggers)? How might this have had a bearing on your reaction to what happened?
Which of your needs did you not meet that day, prior to the incident occurring? With hindsight, how might you have met these better? Did you overextend yourself or give more than you wanted just prior to exploding (a sign that your inner child was rebelling at having had enough and not received the reward for ‘good behaviour’ that she was expecting in exchange for bypassing her needs)?
What kind of self-care/rest/me/relaxation time had you allowed yourself that day/week/month? How might this be related to the time that you lost it?
What unprocessed feelings towards someone or something else might you have been repressing at that time, that were projected onto your child instead of onto the person or situation concerned? In hindsight, how might you have consciously released these earlier?
What does your inner critic have to say about what happened? Which mental tapes are being replayed as you recall the incident? Are these helpful? Which figure of authority from your past do these tapes remind you of? How might this voice be trying to support you (albeit in a skewed way)? To tame them, acknowledge them, thank them for their opinion, let them know that they are not helpful and tell them to go away.
Summon your innner parent to be with you whenever emotions arise as you recall what happened. Imagine her by your side - a safe, trusted, loving other - as you acknowledge your mistakes, limitations and faults, and let these pass through your body. Try to do this without either judging them for arising, or allowing your ego to jump in and both attach meaning that wasn’t there, as well as create unhelpful stories around what happened. Allow your inner parent’s presence and her capacity to hold space for you, to co-regulate you through the experience, as you feel the emotions pass through your body instead of overwhelming you. Ask yourself: whereabouts are these emotions manifesting? Instead of grabbing onto them, can you imagine them dissolving, evaporating or melting away?
Explore the potential root cause behind the trigger by asking yourself when you remember feeling the same way as a child or teenager? Which old, stuck emotions were being stirred up by present circumstances, showing you that the original experience that caused them is ready to be healed? Go back to that experience and release the original feelings associated with it by feeling them in the safe, loving presence of your inner parent.
STEP THREE: notice and redirect the energy that wants to push you back towards spiralling into shame, into an impetus to motivate you towards trying better next time.
Just remember, it is not possible to be a perfect parent because you are neither a robot, nor a god, you are human.
You have emotional, mental, physical and spiritual needs, and sometimes you aren’t able to or forget to meet these so occasionally, there will be a fallout waiting to happen.
Sometimes you feel more sensitive than other times, and you aren’t quite so able to not take your childrens’ actions or words personally.
And sometimes your children push your buttons so often, and in succession, that it’s inevitable that there will eventually come a straw that breaks the metaphorical camel’s back.
I hope that this blog will support you to strengthen your camel back and lessen the emotional impact of those pesky straws whilst working towards the holy grail of self-forgiveness that comes from true, embodied, self-love - the greatest gift of all that you can receive and give to others.
(abstract art: artist unknown)