If I Die, Then You’ll Be Sorry - A Guide To ‘Core Wounds’

“If I die, then you’ll be sorry.”

“Then, you’ll realise how much I was truly hurting. How I wasn’t actually ok underneath it all, even though I seemed so strong.”

“And then you’ll feel the love you should have shown me at the time, that you hadn’t realised that I so badly needed.”

“But then, it will be too late...”

This is what my inner child screams from inside - to the world, my children, husband, clients, family and friends - when she feels unseen in her efforts to connect and to be there for others.

She feels grief that no-one is there for her, rage that no-one realises that they should be, and spite - that it is worth dying to prove her need for love.

For her, not feeling seen leads to literally unbearable feelings of worthlessness. These are so great that she feels like she doesn’t exist and therefore shouldn’t; that without connection with any other to whom she can be a mirror, she is not there and therefore doesn’t deserve to be.‍ ‍

because this is MY ‘core wound’

And like all other wounds, it originates in childhood - it’s why feeling invisible to me feels like a matter of life or death.

(Because to a child who can’t survive on their own, that’s exactly what it is).

But it’s a ‘core wound’, because, unlike others which are not so deep, it’s one that I have struggled the most with ‘healing’ and so this - my very own version of existential angst - has continued to surge in waves of varying severity ever since it first came up to be integrated when I was a young adult.

Healing can only start then because you need to be psychologically mature enough to do ‘innerwork’.

You must be old enough to have perspective on your past and be able to grasp the perception of a younger self. And this Adult You must have the capacity not only to witness any attempts by Little You to take control when she feels unsafe, but also to guide her back to safety when she needs it, through being grounded enough to call on the support of your inner parent.

The difference between dealing with a ‘core wound’ and a lesser wound, is that the inner child can feel SO dysregulated by the former that her feelings of unsafety can take Adult You down too.

And instead of remaining grounded enough to observe Little You releasing her old, stuck pain, and providing comfort, she may identify with her and therefore feel consumed by the very same feelings (which makes it almost impossible to gain enough distance from what is going on to call on the unconditionally loving inner parent).

This, mama, is why I’ve written you a guide on how to spot a ‘core wound’ - for those times that your usual tools don’t seem to be working and you need a reminder that you’re not entirely broken, just dealing with an altogether different innerwork beast.

They take longer to work their way through you…

In my professional and personal experience, the foundation for healing your past is removing the mother and father ‘imprint’ - that is, the negative legacy of your parents on your developing self (the part that unconsciously absorbed all of their limiting beliefs, fears and wounds) - so that your slate is clean and you can be who you are meant to be, free of external influence.

This represents the ‘heavy lifting’ of your reconciliation process and requires that you learn not only how to create inner safety (so that your body is able to relax) but also how to consciously release from this newly relaxed body, the as yet-unprocessed, ‘negative’ feelings that you repressed as a child.

Once learnt, these tools can be applied to any wounds that lie beneath triggers (ie. when you react disproportionately to something or someone) and as a result, it is possible to move on almost immediately, free of that particular ‘imprint’, such as: “I am unworthy”, “I am unloveable”, “no-one cares about me”, “I am invisible” etc.

‘Core wounds’ however, don’t shift so quickly. They are like ice blocks that your attempts at healing can only partially melt; the block will get smaller over time, but it doesn’t melt in one go.

So when ‘core wound’ unprocessed feelings rise up within you, these might take days or even weeks to pass through you rather than minutes; journalling might give you a release but, unlike a lesser wound, not a permanent one; and whilst inner parenting will provide comfort, unlike a lesser wound, this probably won’t feel quite enough at the time.

Tackling a ‘core wound’ therefore, requires PATIENCE.

You won’t feel as much ‘in control’ of your healing process…

When dealing with lesser wounds, it is sufficient to consciously carve out time to release feelings with intent (towards the person or situation that occurred in your past which provoked feelings that you weren’t able to express at the time) for them to disappear straight away afterwards.

In other words, the effort you put in is what you get out.

With ‘core wounds’ however, you may feel these emotions lingering on, and passing through you uninvited even after you have carved out space to release them consciously.

This can give you the (false) impression that your healing attempts have ‘failed’ and that it is therefore not just a wound that you are working with, but perhaps something altogether bigger.

You might think for example, that there is either something physically or mentally wrong with you (my ‘core wound’ led me to research symptoms of bi-polar disorder - not kidding) or that the way you feel has an external cause, such as your hormones (PMS, perimenopause) or traumatic global events.

These could of course be contributing factors but they’re not the reason your usual tools aren’t seeming to work. You are just dealing with something that requires a slightly different approach.‍ ‍

Rumination could actually be one of the ways in which you cope with overwhelm: could your mind be trying to distract you from allowing whatever is coming up to flow through and out of you because it feels too painful, and instead be luring you out of your body (where the healing is happening) and into the relatively ‘safe’ space of analysing what might be ‘wrong’?

This is not in fact helpful, because the quickest route to becoming a clear, open channel for whatever e-motion (energy in motion) is passing through, is to create, and remain in, a relaxed body.

Remember, your mind is not capable of healing, only of providing cognitive awareness. Your body, however, naturally seeks to return to a state of homeostasis and will therefore do whatever it needs to do (whether your mind is aware and approves of this or not) to acheive this state.

Tackling a ‘core wound’ therefore, requires TRUST.

You feel utterly (and existentially) rudderless, lost and alone…‍ ‍

You know when you are dealing with a ‘core wound’ because its effect can be so great that thoughts of pressing the ‘off switch’ might arise - you may temporarily feel like there is no longer any point to life, that you want to give up, exit or ‘resign’.

the deeper the wound, the more inadequate your Adult Self is being shown to be

But this too is not a failure on your part. You are actually being guided towards surrendering to something far greater than your human self because you are ready to accept the truth that this exists.

When a ‘core wound’ shows up, rest assured that you are already well on the way towards remembering your original wholeness - something that life and its various curveballs are constantly pushing you towards via each and every hurdle that you come across (whether you overcome them or not).

An encounter with a ‘core wound’ thus brings heightened awareness of your soul path, a reminder that you are just a part of a greater consciousness that is also learning and growing alongside you.

You are being prepared for a totally new chapter and, unlike the joy and creativity that can rush in to fill the newly vacated space of a healed lesser wound, you are presented with space and emptiness - you have been cleaned, ready for whatever is next.

Tackling a ‘core wound’ therefore, requires FAITH.

The emotion feels existentially bone-deep…

A ‘core wound’ will purge you of what is no longer needed - most probably the emotion that was most deeply repressed by you as a child because it was most deeply feared by your parents.

This emotion is what they couldn’t face witnessing in you because they couldn’t face witnessing it in themselves so it will be hidden away under many layers of protection. There will be a lot of resistance to releasing it because Little You doesn’t want to feel this again - it was simply too painful the first time round.

Tackling a ‘core wound’ therefore, requires COURAGE.

This, mama, is how you identify a ‘core wound’ and can manipulate the tools that you need in order to overcome it. Because you will - all wounds have the potential to be healed whether you do so consciously or are forced into it when you soul is ready.

Remember, every person will carry their own unique combination of ‘core’ and lesser wounds based on the environment in which they grew up and the imprints that they received. What is a core wound for you then, might not be a big deal for someone else.

And however destructive and all encompassing it might feel to endure your particular ‘core wound’ - whichever self-limiting belief and its associated feelings is arising to be seen, felt and released - know that when it crosses your path, you are destined for a chapter that is so new and vibrant that what is transforming has no place there.

What was old, stuck and repressed is of a different frequency to where the new you awaits, and can therefore no longer exist

You are no longer meant to view or feel about yourself this way.

THIS is why you may have temporarily felt - as it was asking to be healed - that you yourself had no right to exist.

But actually, this was never you. What was dying off was merely the part of you that had identified with a warped way of thinking, preventing you from experiencing your birth right - to feel enough, loved and whole…