The No.1 Block To Being Present With Your Kids

So many changes occur during and after the initiation that is motherhood, both naturally, on their own, as well as indirectly demanded of you by your children.

Because they unconsciously desire that you become the very best version of yourself possible, in order that you be the very best mama that you can be for them (which often manifests in what looks like constant poking at what they perceive to be a block to this)!

If you’re anything like me, one of the blocks your kids might have encountered, could have been your emotional ‘strength’ and self-reliance, which, from a societal point of view might be coveted, but when viewed from a child’s perspective, could be seen as a block to connection.

my kids needed me to let them ‘in’ more - to feel that I was present with them, and there for them - Because I wasn’t.

I knew this and could feel it. But at the same time, part of me didn’t want to change.

Because my ‘strength’ didn’t pop out of nowhere, it developed in reaction to a lack of connection from those upon whom I should have been able to rely on it for: my parents. 

It was a form of protection from the effects of the environment in which I grew up - one that was defined by emotional volatility and overwhelm, unchecked big feelings, a lack of repair, no-one ever talking about anything that had happened and as a result, a nagging shame and aloneness in me.

being ‘strong’, however, armoured me against vulnerability - it enabled me not to cry when I felt rejected, belittled, misunderstood, abandoned or hurt (physically or emotionally) - It created a scaffold for my internal safety.

I felt strong enough not to be a ‘burden’ on my seemingly frazzled parents, strong enough to not show that I had needs, strong enough to support them (through being the family therapist, entertainer and fixer), strong enough to pretend that I was coping, and strong enough not to need to rely on anyone else.

The problem is, this adaptive behaviour - in other words, the way in which I changed in order to try to make up for my parents’ limitations (attempting to create more calm and safety by indirectly trying to soothe them) - once established, quickly became a habit - even an identity - as I came to regard suppressing my emotional needs under a cloak of ‘strength’, as a means of being more accepted by others.

Until I become a mama, that is…

When the part of ME that wanted to melt that ‘strength’ in order to connect better with my kids, found herself in conflict with the part of me that put up the ‘armour’ in order to protect myself from feeling rejected by my parents.

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place: my past and my present.

I soon learnt though that the key to overcoming this internal battle (as with all wounds), was to acknowledge which parts of me were fighting it out - my inner child, adolescent or young adult - and to ask what each of them needed in order to ‘back down’.

For example:

• how old was the part of me that didn’t want to connect? And what might she be afraid of (eg. rejection, overwhelm)?

• how old was the part of me that felt that she ‘should’ connect? And what might she be afraid of (eg. passing on trauma, being a ‘bad’ mama)?

Next, I reflected on what each of these parts might need in order to first validate, and then soothe their fears?

(Remember, soothing is not fixing or allaying - it’s about making these parts of you feel that they can COPE with their feelings. For example, reassuring them that they are no longer alone and therefore powerless in the face of their emotions - which is how you might have felt as a child whose parents were unable or unwilling to co-regulate you - but capable, supported and protected now.)

So…

• how can YOU allow Little You to feel her old feelings and be there for her as she does so, and then remind her that whilst this situation might feel like it did when you were small, alone and incapable of processing your emotions, you are now mature, supported and fully capable of doing so?

• and how can YOU allow your Mama self to feel her fears and be there for her as she does so, validating them as real whilst also reminding her to trust that what she is doing right now, with the tools that she has at her disposal, is enough, and that ‘good’ parenting is a process not a fixed goal?

Each moment requires Wise Woman You to OBSERVE the other part of you that is reacting in that moment - rather than identify with it - and to meet their needs in the way that your parents couldn’t.

It takes enormous strength to be able to be vulnerable, Especially when that vulnerability has taken a bashing.

Which means that becoming more present with your kids requires RISK: abandoning an adaptive behaviour that has served you well (self-reliance), overcoming past ‘proof’ that connection leads to pain (the result of your parents’ emotional limitations) and embarking on a course of action that feels UNfamiliar.

But in the end it’s not just the avoidance of future pain that fuels you to take risks but also an innately human desire to give, receive and feel connected through LOVE. One that so easily becomes lost under the layers of past hurts.

Because, whatever our adaptive behaviours, we are hard-wired to love and be loved (it’s why the adaptive behaviour showed up in the first place).

So being the best parent you can be - including being present - is about finding ways to reconnect to this real, unaldulterated core of you, with her incredible capacity to connect unconditionally with whom she chooses.

Your parents, like mine, may not have had the tools or the wherewithal to heal themselves back to their full potential to love. But YOU do. And it all starts with connecting to, accepting, loving and being present for your inner child…