You’re Not A ‘Bad’ Mother Even When You Hate Mothering

For parents with attachment trauma, it is very common to confuse not loving motherhood with not loving your kids.

This happens because you unconsciously project the unprocessed pain that resulted from your own mother’s limitations onto your children, then make the (false) assumption that they will feel the same way you did as a result of your parenting…

…Not only when your actions aren’t in alignment with the parent you want to be but even when your thoughts aren’t in alignment with the parent you feel you should be.

(Because a good parent would enjoy every moment with their family, right?)

But this assumption isn’t true.

It’s untrue that your kids will feel the same way you did as a child because even if you do sometimes act like your mother (which is not wholly your fault, by the way - it’s what was role modelled to you) you put in the repair after rupture: you acknowledge your mistakes, you take responsibility for them and you say sorry, which is probably not something your parents did very often, if at all. Your children’s overall experience will therefore be different to yours even it there are slight similarities.

It’s untrue that your kids will feel the same way you did as a child because not enjoying one moment of parenting doesn’t mean that you will do a bad job of it. You may not always love showing up for your kids in the way you know they need but you are still able to do this well enough because, unlike your mother, you are conscious of and care about the effects of your behaviour, which inspires you to do your best.

It’s untrue that your kids will feel the same way you did as a child because unlike you, your mother didn’t do anything about the fact that you felt she didn’t enjoy parenting. Maybe she didn’t care that you thought this way, and maybe she didn’t care that her behaviour was hurting you because, unlike you, your mother wasn’t trying to be better - she didn’t have expectations of what she should be feeling, how she should parent or how she should make you feel. You, on the other hand, are fully aware of how you are showing up and whether this is either meeting or falling short of your expectations of yourself, which is what provides you with the motivation to continue to improve.

So where does this assumption come from?

Your attachment trauma. And the fact that this has led you to have higher expectations of yourself as a parent than parents whose needs were met when they were kids.

This is because you experienced a GAP between what you needed and the way that your mother was able to meet these needs, which made you painfully aware of all potential parenting pit falls.

INDEED, The prospect of passing on your trauma haunts you.

And this fear has lead you to assume that when you fall short of your expectations, your imperfect behaviour will be experienced by your kids in the same way you experienced your mother’s, so to avoid passing on your trauma, you must therefore behave in the opposite way to her, that is to say, PERFECTLY.

Once again, this isn’t true: your flaws are yours, and you express your emotions in your own unique way.

So you don’t have to be scared of showing anger just because when your mother was angry it was out of control, and you don’t need to avoid showing sadness just because when your mother was sad, it looked like a collapse into overwhelm, martyrdom and powerlessness.

Just because your mother wasn’t able to process her emotions and this caused you pain, doesn’t mean that you expressing the same emotions will look the same to your kids.

Another flawed assumption is assuming that all other mothers enjoy every moment of motherhood so you not doing so must mean that you don’t love your kids.

It’s true that mothers without attachment trauma may enjoy motherhood more because, unlike you, their parents role modelled the skills you feel are required to be a ‘good’ one.

(Such as, the ability to be physically affectionate, accept mistakes, express your love verbally, play with your kids, validate them, be vulnerable or accountable for your actions.)

Having these skills naturally creates connection and ease but you have had to work hard to embody them, which can make expressing them feel very unnatural.

But not feeling comfortable with a new way of doing things doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids.

In fact, it means the opposite:

you love them so much you are learning new skills despite it feeling challenging.

Not enjoying the relentless duties and responsibilities that come with being a parent in general, the endless tasks that you take on as a mother in particular, and the regular lack of support or understanding that accompanies these is NORMAL. As are the disappointment, resentment and even anger that may arise as a result.

Your kids may be the reason you are experiencing a life in which you feel trapped - perhaps you are grieving the comparitively selfish or carefree days before they came along - but your love for them is separate.

Because there is a difference between your physical, biological and emotional bond with your children and the mental frustration, powerlessness and overwhelm that arise from your kid’s behaviour or the reality of your situation not meeting your expectations.

And just as you can separate your child’s challenging behaviour in the moment from who they are and what they need (the behaviour might be ‘bad’ but your child isn’t) so your feelings about a situation (which might feel ‘bad’) are separate to your love of the little people that prompted them.

Occasionally feeling unhappy doesn’t mean you’ve turned into your mother. Occasionally wanting to break free doesn’t mean you don’t love your children.

So how can you stop projecting the unprocessed pain that resulted from your mother’s limitations onto your children, and therefore avoid making false assumptions about how they will feel as a result of yours?

You PROCESS it.

Because by healing your wounds, it becomes impossible for you to pass them on unconsciously - there is Nothing left to project onto your children.

The kind of mother you are doesn’t have to be governed by the kind of mother you experienced if you face your pain and release it. This places your experience firmly in your past (as something that is now over) rather than you continuing to carry (and copy) it in your present. 

When that happens, your occasional fantasies about what might have happened if you hadn’t had children, your occasional regrets that you did and your occasional desires to escape motherhood are no longer unconsciously linked to a fear that these will damage the bond with your child.  

Healing your wounds leads to not only knowing that you are the mother that YOU are (not your own mother nor someone else that is ‘better’) but also that you are enough, JUST AS YOU ARE. 

image credit: artist unknown