I Was Crying Myself To Sleep

When I first reached out to Lavinia I couldn't keep the tears in. I was crumbling — constantly annoyed, enraged, angry, anxious, disconnected from my partner, and somehow unhappy in what looked on paper to be a dream life.

I was struggling with outrage toward my toddler whenever he would do or say anything that I had never dared say to my parents, I'd find myself spanking him in the same way that I was spanked, and then crying myself to sleep at night knowing that I'd done such a thing to my sweet, innocent babe. It didn't feel right, but this was doing nothing to change my behavior.

No matter how many podcasts I'd listen to about conscious parenting and staying calm, I would stay on board the day I'd listened, but if I got behind, I'd lose sight of how to parent in this way because this was not the way I was parented.

I felt like a failure for not being able to carry out this seemingly simple way of parenting. I had no support from my spouse because of our distance, and I felt I couldn’t go to him because of my guilt about how I'd treated my son. I was alone, angry, and overwhelmed most days.

I'd been through YEARS of counseling with a therapist since the age of 12 when my parents separated, which had helped me to understand my sadness and loss, but it never helped to dissolve or remove any of these feelings which were right on the surface if I so much as thought or talked about them.

Before our first session I was afraid of myself and how I would next explode, so just starting the coaching series gave me the solace that I was doing SOMETHING about it. After our first session and learning about inner parenting, how to talk positively to myself, how to love and check in with myself, I was skeptical that I would be able to do it, but I was dedicated to try.

Since working with Lavinia over the course of the last year, the coaching and work I've done has been transformative — I never thought I would be where I am today. Ever.

My partner and I are finally able to work on our marriage after leaving it to the wayside for almost 4 years; I am able to recognize my feelings and now have tools to deal with them or get them out safely; I am in no way getting triggered by my son in the way that I used to be, and I have become a much calmer, safe parent who has not spanked my son in over a year.

I feel a renewed confidence that I haven't felt in years, and I now feel like an adult in situations where I often felt like I was still a child (namely in my relationships with my mom and dad, and even in business with those who were older than me, where I often still felt I played the role of the child).

I am now able to articulate what I need, or have an adult-to-adult conversation without getting upset, when before this was not possible for me.

I surprised myself the most during the series with just how much change has come for me during the past year. I did not think I could stop doing many of the things I did on the day to day, and thought this was just how I was — nonstop, never taking breaks, never stopping to take care of myself — and even priding myself on how hard I worked, how much harder I worked than others, and how much better that made me.

I've surprised myself with how my perception of myself has changed, and how much was revealed to me that was so hidden. I surprised myself with my ability to get the stuck feelings out of my body and that they were actually able to be released — never in a million years did I think that was possible, I just thought they would always be there. I had cried over these things 100 times before and they always came back. Now, they are just a blip on the radar and I am able to talk about them without being in tears. They happened, but they are not in the driver’s seat of my life anymore. They are now truly in the past and I surprised myself with my ability to actually move forward.

My biggest learning was to love myself, and talk positively to myself, which is still a work in progress.

The coaching series with Lavinia was worth its weight in gold. I would not have made the progress I have today without her. I really appreciated her ability to gauge what I was dealing with and assign the actions that she thought were applicable. She has a knack for remembering every detail of what is said and also knowing where the work needs to be done and she was always very available if I needed to share anything that was happening.

I wholeheartedly recommend working with Lavinia to any mother who feels overwhelmed, angry, or alone. Had I not done this work I would not be where I am today and it feels so good to be out of the hole I felt I was in.

 ~ Ashley Scotto, general contractor, historic house preservationist & mama, USA