I Felt Like Everyone’s Happiness Was My Responsiblity

When we first connected, I was struggling with needing to constantly manage everyone and everything in my home - from my kids’ and husband’s emotions to my own (and everything in between). I felt like everyone’s happiness was my responsibility and I felt like I was going to break.

I was giving every bit of patience I had to my kids and I had nothing left for my husband or myself. My marriage was suffering as a result, as well as my own mental health. I was tired of feeling like I had to be the strong one. I felt overwhelmed and that I was failing as a wife.

I remember after a hard day, sitting on the floor in my son’s room crying and thinking ‘it shouldn’t be this hard, I need to change something’, and that’s when I reached out to Lavinia. I was consumed by a fear that someday my kids would feel the same way about me as I do about my own mom.

I had done therapy in the past but never worked with a coach. Every therapist always ended up saying something along the lines of “you’re aware of your trauma, and you cope so well, you’re so strong” so what I was hoping to get from coaching was to find the root of why I was feeling the way I was, and the tools to change that.

Life is so much better since doing this work. I feel at peace with myself and my decisions, and in my relationships with my husband and kids. For the first time in my life, I feel like I am allowed to do what I truly want and to be happy, and I feel worthy of that now.

I’m aware of my triggers and now have the tools to not let them take over – I’m able to use my inner parent and work through them – and I am also more aware of how my emotions manifest physically in my body. Disagreements with my husband are no longer huge arguments being run by my inner child, I no longer feel the need to micromanage my husband’s relationship dynamic with the kids, or that it is my job to ‘fix’ everything.

What surprised me the most during our coaching series, was how much grief I was carrying around. I obviously knew that I had trauma, but I did not realize how much my childhood (and even my birth trauma) experiences were controlling my current life and behavior. I thought because I was “strong” and had discussed my trauma in therapy, that it wasn’t ruling my life, so I was surprised to learn how much it truly was affecting me, and how everything seemed to come back to trauma related to my mom and how she wasn’t the mom that I needed her to be.

My biggest learning was how to release trauma and emotions intentionally. I learned what my triggers were and where they were coming from; I developed an inner parent to help me in those moments. As a result, I was able to release the grief surrounding my lack of relationship with my mom, my dad’s death, and my own near-death experience during the birth of my son.

I think the coaching series was one of the best things I’ve ever done - probably the best thing I could have done for myself, and ultimately for my sons. I will forever be grateful that I was able to heal myself and my inner child while my own kids are still so young. Their lives will benefit from the work I was able to do.

Thank you, Lavinia, for creating the first safe space for me to work through my trauma. This allowed me to learn that I am now safe, and that I can trust myself and the ones who love me. I am no longer the scared little girl who feels alone.

~ Karen Valdovinos, behaviour analyst & mama, USA