I Wasn’t In Control Of Myself
When we first connected, I was struggling with losing my temper with my two young girls. I wanted to stop so badly, and I'd read books and articles which helped for a time, but at some point, I'd end up losing it in a way that didn't feel grounded - I wasn't in control of myself at all.
I'd been in therapy on and off for years, and it had always been helpful, but I felt that I needed to work with someone who not only had been there as a mom, but who was still there, working through it. I felt excited to try something different and thought that Lavinia had a perspective that would work for me.
Since coaching, I am *much* more able to stay with my daughters' emotions. We don't do ‘time-outs’ anymore and instead, we do time-ins where I stay with them. Now, I no longer dissociate or just ‘try’ to remain calm, I actually feel calm.
I feel like their feelings aren't happening to ME anymore, they're happening to them and I can now just be there as they pass through. On one such occasion, I tried to implement just being present whilst my elder daughter had a tantrum and later that day, she threw her arms around my legs and said, I love you, Mama. [MELT!]
Since coaching, I feel much more able to surf their emotions, which means that *I* don't get swept away. I've become able to say to them “I want to be good mama, I’m feeling myself get upset so I may need a minute” and sometimes just that is enough for them to change. Other times, I need to leave but I no longer do so in a cloud of anger.
I surprised myself the most during the series by being able to stay present during their anger when I hadn’t thought that I could. Anger was nearly omnipresent in my home growing up, and I'm sure that dissociating was something I did really early on to stay protected. But, building on my ‘relationship’ with my ‘inner parent’, and also just trying to stay present, I've seen that I can.
Now, I can be there without closing off, which in turn means that my daughters’ behaviour escalates less because they're not also trying to call me back from my own fear.
My biggest learning was that I didn't need ‘boundaries’ all around me - I needed MORE with my parents and LESS with my kids. I think that for years, I'd been trying to strengthen my boundaries but this really wasn’t working when it came to being a mom. I learned that I need to be more open to get the kind of behavior I want - not in a manipulative way, but in a "let's actually have a nice life" kind of way.
Lavinia and I worked together for about 5 months and, though I definitely noticed changes during that intensive time, it's after that I'm noticing huge gains: the house is SO MUCH CALMER; there's more silliness, more snuggles, more laughter, more helping.
Despite the busy nonsense of life, it feels - for the first time since they were born - that there's a calm center to our lives and that this center will hold.
Lavinia’s personal stories were helpful; her advice was helpful; her ‘realness’ was helpful. It wasn’t like ‘regular’ therapy (where it's kind of detached) so I think the value I got from it all was enormous!
~ Molly Hayes, teacher & mama, USA